There’s a guy on there- he’s part of the “Whack Pack” – and makes prank calls to radio and TV call-in shows.

“Captain Janks” is his name and he’s a gas station attendant near Philly.

Some of the bits are pretty funny, if you appreciate that kind of humor- but he’s just one more of the seemingly endless slew of characters to appear on the HSS.

So ANYWAY- I get a call from a “215″ number early last week and let it go to voicemail. About an hour later, I listened to the message- “Hey, this is Scott- I’m ‘Captain Janks’ on the Howard Stern Show. Listen, I’m launching a new DVD and am looking for a few places to do some promotional events in the Harrisburg area. I heard that your place [ABC] is a cool room. Gimme a call back and I’ll tell you more about it.”

Initially, I thought “Oh, cool. Howard Stern Show, plugs on the program, well known name. Might be kind of cool.”

So I played phone tag with Janks, finally connecting with him a few days later. He told me that he’s visited a few places in the Harrisburg area, but hadn’t really found an appropriate spot. One of the places he told me he met with was Aroogas- formerly the Ko-Ko-Mo’s on 22.

I described The Abbey Bar to him and directed him to the Website to view pictures and layout. About two hours later, he called me back.

“Hey, it’s Janks. Man, I tell ya. I checked out the Website and that looks like the perfect place to do this. I need a place that’s big enough because all of the places I do appearances at get PACKED. So yeah. Let’s do it. Basically, I come out for two hours- give out raffle tickets to everyone who comes in, we do some trivia, give away a few copies of the DVD and then at midnight, give away a Sirius Satellite Radio.”

“Cool, man. Sounds good. What timeframe are you looking for?”

“January 13, 14 or 15″

I was working a gig in Hershey, so I told Janks that I’d get back to him in the morning and let him know if that would work.

But first, I asked him what his fee was for the performance.

“My fee is only six hundred and fifty dollars. You get ten plugs on Howard’s show and we give away the radio.”

So right there, a few flags went up in my head. Six fifty for ten plugs on the Howard Stern show is virtually impossible. Second, if this guy had any kind of industry clout, he’d be represented by some kind of booking agency.

But the biggest, brightest flag-on-the-play was this “My fee is $650- but I’d need payment in full before I could plug it on the show. I can come out tomorrow and pick up a check.”

So after hanging up with him, I texted my friend George who listens to the show all the time. “Dude, r u a fan of capt. janks from stern?” I texted.

“Yeah, he’s funny. Are u thinking about booking him? I heard that he booked two shows in Philly and no-showed for both after getting paid in advance.” He replied.

I called him back, told him the story of the phone calls and thanked him for the info.

After doing some mild Googling, I found that, Captain Janks does, in fact, book “appearances”, get paid in advance, and not show up quite frequently.

So the next morning, Janks called me bright and early- right around the crack of nine- and asked when a good time for him to come pick up his check would be.

And I explained “Dude, I’d love to book you. You’ve got the date if you want it. And if you’d like, I’d happily pay you a hundred dollar deposit on the show…but I’ve heard and read in numerous places that you’ve gotten paid in advance numerous times before and have no-showed for the gig. Nothing personal, man. But I have to look out for the best interests of my club. We have national acts in here regularly and rarely pay a deposit – let alone payment in full nearly three months before the date. I hope you understand.”

Janks: “Er..uh…that…that only happened one time and I wound up going to the wrong place. It…where did you hear that stuff?”

“Doesn’t matter man. Like I said- you can have the date and will get paid in full when you appear. But don’t try to hustle me here, bro. Take it somewhere else.”

“Er, uh…okay. I’m gonna have to think about this and get back to you. Click.”

And since then, I haven’t heard a word.

I did, however, call Arooga’s on 22 and spoke with the manager who told me that Janks did pay their bar a visit and they did give him a check for his appearance far in advance of the date.

So- promoters/venue managers who may read this site: be wary of calls from Howard Stern’s Prank Caller guy.

And never, ever, EVER pay an artists fee in full before the event.

[Read a follow up on this post here]

Where oh where are all of the inventive, innovative, edgey, radical, groundbreaking new bands in Harrisburg?

Who’s making waves? Who’s going out on a limb and writing music that comes from the heart…and not directly emulating their influences? Who’s trying something genuinely new and unique?

Bueller? Bueller?

Okay.

I book one hundred and four nights of music per year at The Abbey Bar at Appalachian Brewing Company.

On average, there are two bands per night. (One headliner and one opener.)

Now don’t get me wrong, there are some great Harrisburg-regional bands…that have been around for years. The Thrives, Herbie, The Green Onions, The April Skies, The Martini Brothers, Nate Myers and The Aces to name a few.

But what’s new? What’s with the void of great new bands around here lately?

Trust me- I go out of my way to find and embrace new blood in the market…but sometimes it’s like pulling blood from a stone when looking for something fresh and exciting making noise in Harrisburg.

Caleb Smith’s band Big Mouth Strikes Again would be considered ‘noise rock’ or ‘soundtrack rock’. And it’s powerful shit. Sure, it’s not the most accessible and broadly appealing brand of rock- but it’s certainly unique for the Greater Harrisburg Area. Lyricless and melodic, BMSA would appeal to fans of shoegazer rock and late eighties/early nineties new wave era punk.

Who else is bucking conventions and breaking the rules?

If you know- or if you are, please get in touch with me.

Lots and lots of Harrisburg musicians and bands aren’t big fans of Jersey Mike.

They’re not fans because I don’t or haven’t booked them.

And many times, if I do take a chance on a young, green local band- they totally drop the ball by either not promoting their date, showing up the gig and acting like primadonnas, arriving late for load in or getting so completely shitfaced at the gig that they’re literally falling off the stage by the second set.

And local bands wonder why they don’t get booked here?

I’d estimate that it’s a 70/30 ratio. Seventy percent of the bands that play The Abbey Bar are not Harrisburg bands. Hell, many of them aren’t even Pennsylvania bands.

Maybe it’s me. Perhaps I’m getting older and more jaded. My palette has been so spoiled by being exposed to so many great bands over the years that I have a hard time getting excited about stuff that I probably should but just don’t.

I’m mixing two bands tonight. The opener is on right now. And they’re good. They’re playing all the right notes and the singer is singing on key. But they’re playing all covers.

All. Fucking. Covers.

Show us what you’ve got, Harrisburg.

We can all do so much better…

If you’ve read my previous post about the lackluster display of talent at any of Harrisburg’s Arts/Kipona/Music Fests, I apologize for being redundant.

But in the spirit of speaking my mind about the things that are happening in Harrisburg today, I feel overwhelmingly compelled to write this post.

Here, in some sort of order, are five reasons why Harrisburg’s American Music Fest is personification of the mismanagement and fucked up priorities of The City of Harrisburg in it’s current incarnation.

1. Too much corporate presence. 

What stuck out in my mind the most about Muisc Fest this year? All of the damn corporate sponsor presence. Sure, it’s something of a necessary evil when producing a financially burdensome event like Music Fest, but one would think that with all of that Comcast/Belco/Coca-Cola/Patriot-News/Capital Blue Cross/Kibble Select/Hilton/Crowne Plaza/Citadel Broadcasting/BathFitters money involved that we would have been able to book a more interesting and enticing schedule.

(BATH FITTERS!!!)
I mean, really…is it just me (and everyone I’ve talked to) or did the schedule at this years Music Fest especially suck?  Which brings me to number two.

2. The lineup really, really, really, really, REALLY, really sucked. 

No wait…did I make that clear? The lineup REALLY sucked. I’m not going to go name-by-name here because, obviously, there were a couple of good acts.

A couple.

Out of nearly a hundred acts over three days, was a single one ever featured in Rolling Stone? Was a single one ever a hot blog-band? Was a single one ever on Letterman or Leno or even Conan?

Look. The city spends a lot of money buying the talent for this event- and in my opinion (as a seasoned talent buyer) the city got hosed with the amount of money spent compared to the level of talent at the Music Fest.

Have you ever been to the MusikFest in Bethlehem? Here are just a few of the headliners playing this years’ MusikFest in Bethlehem: Jethro Tull, John Fogerty, Roseanne Cash and Phil Vassar.

That’s in O Little Town of Bethlehem. Just about ninety miles from here.

Oh, who else is playing? Avril Lavigne, Live and Collective Soul, John Gorka, Kool and The Gang, Citizen Cope, Stone Temple Pilots, Jeffery Gaines, Roseanne Cash…and then there are the support bands.

3. Harrisburg’s Music Fest is personification of what’s wrong with the big-picture in this town. 

You see, it’s not that Harrisburg sucks.

It’s just that the people who are running Harrisburg suck. 

I’m a big proponent of “Do the best with what you’ve got.”

I live a self-appointedly minimalist existence. But I do the best with what I’ve got. A LOT of people are working and living paycheck-to-paycheck, week-to-week. But they do the best with what they’ve got.

The City of Harrisburg, however, seems to do the bare minimum..the absolute least…with what they’ve got.

What are we so afraid of as a community?

What, do you people think that things can get any WORSE?

4. Too much carnie food. 

I love funnel cake. And I love sausage and peppers.

I really, really do.

But I can do without miles and miles of seven dollar lemonade, eight dollar Gyro’s, hot dogs that cost too much that aren’t even Sabrett’s and “smoothies” for eight bucks that are no more than Crystal Light mixed with crushed ice.

We had a slammin Gyro Salad and a Banana/Strawberry smoothie. It was quite a good salad and a thirst-quenching smoothie. But it cost seventeen dollars. 

Seventeen.

Fucking.

Dollars.

For some lettuce, peppers, sliced lamb meat and ice and Crystal Light mix.

But do you know why it cost seventeen dollars for a meal that should cost maybe nine? Ten with tip?

5. The City charges an arm and a leg for food vendor spots at MusicFest. 

Oh, you didn’t see any local pizza shops with a vendor spot, right? But Pizza Hut was there.

No local hot dog vendors, right? (There are about a half dozen in the city that I can think of off the top of my head)

Nonna’s wasn’t even slinging Italian Ices.

Because ultimately, folks, The City of Harrisburg’s Music Fest isn’t about a festival of Music. It’s about selling vendor locations and securing corporate sponsorships of the stages to cast the illusion that the current administration is doing something good for the people.

Look, I know I may come across as a “blowhard” or “rabble rouser” or “some dude with too much time on his hands who likes to knock what other people are doing” but really, I’m none of that.

I’m just a guy from Jersey who’s seen a lot of great things and who’s lived in some fantastic communities who, incidentally, sees the potential for Harrisburg to be a truly great city.

But our potential is being circumvented by greedy, self-serving, opportunistic, monomaniacal “leaders” who only care about profiteering off of shady land and development deals while pissing away the hard-earned dollars of the taxpayers of this potentially-wonderful city.

Wake up and smell the shit that’s being fed to you, Harrisburg.

It’s time for a change.

And MusicFest is only one example of the gross mismanagement of city funds.

DAUPHIN COUNTY DOMESTIC RELATIONS

In my personal, extensive, exhaustive experience, Dauphin County Domestic Relations (DCDR) has been the most absolutely demeaning, degrading, biased, racist, bigoted, unfair “public” service office I have EVER, EVER, EVER had to deal with.

I’d rather spend a week-straight waiting in line at a combination of PennDot, Traffic Court and The Dentist than spend a single minute within the 70′s decorated walls of the Dauphin County Domestic Relations office.

And I say this as a single Dad who’s always paid my child support on time- regardless of what DCDR has to say.

You see, I have a MAJOR problem with being generalized as a human being.

And there is no other “public” office that does a better job at generalizing people than DCDR.

I’ve been to the hearings. I’ve dealt with the “officers” (if you can call them that). I’ve sat in the stinky, filthy, dirty, closed-circuit camera policed waiting room, biting my nails just hoping that I get to see an officer that has an ounce of humility and compassion.

But we never do.

And this battle, friends, isn’t about me getting the short end of the stick.

This is different than getting a parking ticket or getting towed or getting raped taxed for entertaining the public.

No, friends. This particular battle is about what is right and what is just and what is fair. 

And in my experience, The Dauphin County Domestic Relations system does not treat men fairly. 

And we’ll explore that further in the months to come…

THE NEXT MAYORAL ELECTION 

It’s a big one, kids.

(And come to think of it, I’m sure I’ll be writing about this one before the Amusement Tax is reformed)

Let’s be real for a second here.

There is no justifiable reason for any elected official to be in office for more than two consecutive terms.

Maybe it’s “fear of the unknown” or “fear of change” or just downright voter apathy that’s kept this guy in office for as long as he’s been.

But the time has come for a changing of the guard in Harrisburg.

And I’m not going to sit here and get into a pissing match with filthyman or hbgtruth or steven119 about the merits of a man who has sat in a smoky office for twenty five years spending our tax dollars on Annie Oakley’s gun and a Vampire Hunting kit while crack is being sold by twelve year olds at the corner of Green and Muench.

We can rename all of the neighborhoods we’d like- but the fact remains: we’re due for a new Mayor.

I’d hate to say it like this, but at this point- it’s Anyone But Reed. 

The Primary is creeping up quick. And don’t be fooled by all of the “news” lately.

Oh, do you think it’s a coincidence that we’re hearing about our streets finally being repaved? Or that there’s this miraculous new two-hundred-plus-million dollar deal to whore out lease our parking garages to a NYC investment firm?

Pay attention, Harrisburg. It’s gonna be a long, hot summer.

I started writing this piece today with the goal in mind of expressing three or four pet-peeves I’ve developed over five years of booking shows and dealing with agents, bands, fans, PR firms and ticketing companies. Once I got about halfway through the first entry, I realized that a singular post wouldn’t suffice to effectively get across the points I’m attempting to drive home. Therefore, this is going to become a multi-part series-of-sorts here at jerseymike.org. Casual fans and showgoers- I hope this sheds some light on what it’s like in the life and times of an indie promoter. Bands and agents- I hope these entries help you in some capacity in the oft-turbulent world of live music.

Enjoy–

I’ve been booking and promoting shows for just about five years now.

In that time, there have been sell-outs, moderately attended events and, of course, the duds.

Overall, I’d estimate that I, along with a rotating cast of sub-promoters and local scenesters, have done or been involved with just about twenty five hundred shows with probably fifteen hundred bands.

Every year, someone new pops up on the local radar with promises of bringing the “revolution” to the limping live music scene here in the Midstate. And every year, that new guy usually fucks something up and disappears. Leaving not even a footnote in the blog pages and events listings of the area’s events listings and critic pages.

All of that said, I think I’ve paid my fair share of dues and have garnered enough experience to allow me to gripe now and again- and this piece, my friends, is a gripe. I’m going to get a few things off of my chest- citing examples and offering suggestions to some of the most irritating characters an independent promoter in a tertiary market has to deal with.

Gripe number 1: “It’s the venue’s fault that there were only fifty people at the show”-

This one is SO aggravating it’s not even funny.

We recently had a band whose agent hammered me for weeks to get a date. He referenced a plethora of opening and high-profile slots the band had played locally. He also made a point to mention the “huge draw” the band would have in the area. (the band’s name isn’t important because there are a thousand bands that make this excuse constantly)

After checking out all of the credentials and moderately-impressive press kit, I decided to give them a date.

Once I offered the date, the agent came back with a ridiculously high quote for their standard-performance rate.

I held firm in what we would offer and, of course, the agent came down to my price.

The band sent one poster- a giant one with a liquor sponsorship logo that was more prominent than the band’s name- and we posted it inside the venue.

Move ahead to the day of the show and they came in- all pomp and circumstance- set up their gear and elaborate merch display and played their set at 11:30 PM- to about forty five people.

Thirty five of which were there to see the supporting band.

Now, don’t get me wrong- this type of thing happens from time to time. And my standard way of dealing with it is to either a) not book the band again or b) offer the band a support-slot their next time in.

The agent predictably emailed me about two weeks after the show asking for a return date. I replied promptly and informed him that, although I thought the band was fantastic (they really, really were), the draw vs. what we paid them didn’t balance out and that I’d offer the band a support slot down the road.

His reply didn’t surprise me, but didn’t make me smile either.

The agent went on a mini-tirade implying that the venue “didn’t do enough to market the show” and the people who WERE there wouldn’t have known about it “if it weren’t for the band’s MySpace blast”.

And here’s what drives me absolutely crazy about those statements- my venue hosts twelve to fourteen nights of music per month. Normally, there are at least two bands on each bill and four of the nights per month are open-mic’s- which mean there are no less than six bands and solo acts playing those nights. So over the course of a thirty-one day month, we see about twenty five bands play our stage.

And to market said live-music events, we have a pretty far reaching system in place. In addition to monthly print ads in three publications, we’ve got a monthly emailer that blasts out to several thousand people, two MySpace pages plugging the shows, this site, Jambase.com, in house posters, a quarterly paper newsletter that goes out to over five thousand people and posters plastered all over the building here.

But some bands actually think that if a show doesn’t go well, it’s the venue’s fault.

This is sort of like a “chicken or the egg” debate.

If there weren’t venues willing to pay a fair rate and host bands on a consistent basis, there wouldn’t be places for bands to develop fan bases and (hopefully) grow and mature into nationally touring phenomenons; selling out rooms and dodging bras and panties onstage.

Conversely, if there weren’t great bands willing to put their souls and spirits on the line and play their little hearts out to drunken patrons in rooms spanning from frat houses to firehalls to dive bars to established music venues, there wouldn’t be fun little hotspots of new music and great shows to see.

So basically, one doesn’t exist without the other.

That said, everyone plays a role in a successful show and, depending on what the draw for the night is, someone either gets a pat on the back or a kick in the ass.

If a show is successful and hundreds of people are there to get down and boogie the night away, oftentimes the band is quick to pat themselves on the back and boast about their huge numbers.

If is show is a dud, on the other hand, a band can be quick to point in every direction with the exception of themselves.

“Oh, this other band that has a similar fan base to us was playing right up the road and everybody was there”

(What does that mean? That the other band is better than yours?)

“We didn’t have enough time to promote the show, we only knew about it two months ago”

(*rolling eyes*)

“The weather was shitty”

(This does happen from time to time and is definitely taken into consideration)

“The venue didn’t do enough to promote the show”

When you boil it all down, the single most important thing a band needs to do when booked anywhere is to get as many people out to the show as possible. Call your friends. Hit the streets with flyers. Poster everywhere you possibly can. Utilize the MySpace and the Facebook and the Friendster and your email lists.

And then show up and play to a (hopefully) packed room.

A band, inherently, is a business. And every business needs to market it’s goods. If that new brand of vodka or tequila or beer doesn’t sell well, it’s not the bar’s fault. It gets pinned back to the marketing department of the new spirit.

Same goes for a band.

If a band doesn’t do well (attendance-wise) it’s not a reflection of the venue. It’s a reflection of the bands’ ability to market themselves as a business.

And that’s what it all comes down to.

You’ve practiced your ass of in the garage for months, you’ve passed the point of your friends and family coming out to your gigs…and now it’s time to hit the streets.

Get out there.

Sell yourself.

Make it happen.

‘Cause nobody likes an excuse maker.