It’s been hard to go anywhere in Harrisburg these days and not discuss the recent surge in crime in Midtown.

Often, it begins by someone saying something along the lines of “Oh man! Did you hear what happened on Penn Street last night?”. Or, “I heard so-and-so got mugged walking home from the bar the other night.” Or some variation thereof.

And most of the time, someone within the group says something along the lines of “Oh, I’d like to see them try that on ME. I carry a knife and I’d just stab em before they knew what hit em!”

At which point, most people around “that guy” roll their eyes or change the subject.

But protecting oneself from an attack is certainly a valid discussion in the current climate of life in Harrisburg.

We do have options- but I think I may have come up with the perfect way to fend off an attacker, get the attention of the neighborhood AND celebrate freedom all at the same time.

You see, a knife- in theory- can injure a would-be attacker. But in the heat of the moment and while you are on the recieving end of a mugging, it isn’t always the most lucid thought process time we may have.  So to retrieve a knife from your pocket, open it, get close enough to your attacker and then actually have the nads to stab them- that’s a heck of a lot of thought and skill in order to protect your cell phone and wallet.

A gun, of course, is likely most peoples first notion of protection while walking the streets. But a gun requires a license to carry, precision to point and shoot and, as referenced in the last paragraph and similar to a knife, requires a set of balls to pull the trigger on someone.

Lots of girls I know carry mace- which is a good deterrent as well- as long as the breeze of the night doesn’t blow the pepper spray back in your face after blasting the mugger.

So, after all of that- I think I’ve come up with an inexpensive, effective and relatively easy way to fend off an attack while drawing attention to the crime scene. Here it is:

If you’re walking down a dark street one night and someone approaches you threatening harm if you do not turn over your possessions, reach into your pockets and begin emptying them. Keys, smokes, couple dollars cash…whatever. And when the attacker has some of your items in his hands, reach back into your pocket and retrieve a tiny little red M-80 and a lighter. But do it quick and as soon as it’s out of your pocket, light the fuse, step back a foot or two and throw it as hard as you can at your attacker. If timed right, you can have that little sucker out of your pocket with a lit fuse in about three seconds. And what attacker is going to expect you to pull a quarter stick of dynamite from your pocket AND light it and throw it at him? Most attackers are probably hip to things like mace and stun guns. But when you’re going back into your pocket and feigning looking for more cash to give him, what a big surprise it will be when a big loud BANG goes off right at his feet.

The neighbors will hear it, it’ll scare the shit out of the attacker (and possibly cause some harm to him) and it’s probably more effective than the Mayor’s idea of carrying a whistle.

Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

Go celebrate whatever freedoms we might have left. (And if you know of some, please let me know)

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