Jersey Mike

[Alternate post-title "Why I Don't Like Dave Matthews Anymore"...but the "Shot into the center of the sun" thing had a better ring to it]

It’s not that I don’t like Dave Matthews…it’s just that I really, really, really don’t like Dave Matthews.

I know, I know- many of you are groaning as you read that.

“Aww, dude! C’mon…who doesn’t like Dave!?”

Know what, tough guy? I don’t.

You see, I used to like Dave Matthews. I owned Under the Table and Dreaming, Crash and Before These Crowded Streets and used to play them constantly.

I’m one of those guys that “Saw Dave before Dave got big”- tiny amphitheaters in tiny New England towns in the early nineties- and sure, I had a great time.

But my distaste for one of the nations top grossing touring acts began shortly after I entered Hersheypark Stadium in the summer of 2002 and was cemented in concrete immediately after the show began.

The concert itself was mildly entertaining- but I simply cannot get past the legions of white-hat frat boys driving Jeeps and their white tank-top wearing girlfriends who drink shitty beer, smoke cheap weed and act like the biggest bunch of douchebags I’ve ever witnessed while at their favorite band on the planet’s show.

I probably just lost a few readers by writing this, but that’s the cost of honesty, I guess.

And it’s not that Dave Matthews is a bad performer. Seriously, don’t take this the wrong way.

Lots of people didn’t like The Grateful Dead and, more recently, The Disco Biscuits because of their legions of followers.

I simply feel the same way about The Dave Matthews Band.

To me, a single Dave Matthews fan is tolerable. But a stadium full is downright obnoxious.

I’m sure many of you who read this are going to the travesty of a “concert” this summer at Hershey. I’m sure you’re all SO excited that he’s coming back after a one-year absence from the Midstate.

But I, for one, will not be attending.

Please notice for me, though, how many goofy, spoiled, arrogant, rich white kids from the suburbs who seemingly have no idea what the rules of engagement at a public gathering are surround you at the show. Also pay close attention to how many of the guys with ironic tee shirts and tribal tattoos on their biceps hit on your girlfriend when you go to get another seven dollar beer.

Also notice how much a tee shirt costs- probably over forty dollars at this point, I’d guess- considering they were thirty-six the last time I decided to “Go see Dave”.

Ugh.

And don’t even get me started on the legions of kids who think that because they can play a few chords on a guitar and pen some cheesey love lyrics that they deserve to start a band and play out.

This one is sort of a mild annoyance- but at the last listening-session we had, there were probably sixty press kits to listen to.

I’d safely estimate that half of them were BIG Dave Matthews fans.

Perhaps I’m jaded and judgmental, but within the first fifteen seconds of any new bands’ CD that I listen to, I can usually make a pretty good assumption of who their biggest musical influence is.

And there seem to be so many Dave Matthews knock offs that they could start an army.

Oh, you think I’m alone and crazy in my dislike for one of the nations biggest live acts?

Just Google “Dave Matthews Sucks” and see for yourself- go ahead- Dave won’t find out. Even if you did win the ‘Meet and Greet’ from the radio station and you’re lucky enough to get cattle-shot past him and Boyd at a table while they don’t make eye-contact and sign your cheesy “Firedancer” sticker.

Citizene says this: I’m not surprised that a talentless artist such as Dave Matthews sells millions of records because, in fact, most of the people that sell millions of records pretty much suck. My problem is this: Dave Matthews fans are spreading.

A blogger for the Houston Press waxes: “Dave Matthews sucks shit through a pink loop-de-loop straw. That is a fact. It is not up for debate.”

And Blitzkreig Bob on the site Dave Matthews Must Die makes the most eloquent points of all by writing: “He couldn’t just be a one-hit-wonder and simply fade into the same obscurity as Tommy Tu-Tone and the guy that sang Rock Me Amadeus. But nooooo, he had to stick around and tour posing under the guise of a jam band. To some dumb college kids, the words “jam” and “band” used in the same sentence instantly translate into “Duuuude, lets split a six-pack of Natural Light and a joint between the twelve of us and act like a bunch of assholes in the lot until we get either arrested or chased.” The Dave Matthews Band is to music what Michelob Ultra is to beer.”

So in conclusion, please don’t hate me for hating Dave Matthews. It’s just ‘not my thing’ anymore.

But you go have fun at the show in Hershey. Tell me if you’re able to hear the music past the twenty-five yardline while Psi Kappa Fratta Bing Bang sings the wrong lyrics and freak out when Dave croons “smoke my kiiiiind and have a good time.”

When we all know, deep down inside, that it’s just really expensive shwag.

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